*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
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If I had a crystal ball, I’d probably walk differently.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
The smoothest fall of all time
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I buried our dead snowman in the neighbor’s backyard
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.