If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
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[makes eye contact with guy on bus]
Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like “why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?