I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
You Might Also Like
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
It’s weird to think there was a time when the most data a tablet could hold was five commandments.
One time in med school we had a lecture on the dangers of sleep deprivation and it was an Alanis Morissette level of irony that the lecture was at 7am.
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Some people like instant gratification but I prefer mine brewed slowly from freshly ground gratification beans
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.