Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
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You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
When I said I liked it rough.
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
The spider I just killed with a napkin isn’t in the napkin, and now I’m in a circle of salt reciting incantations.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”