Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
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I was close to catching up on all the laundry and then my washing machine broke so the lesson here is to never try to catch up on laundry or the universe will punish you for it.
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
My girlfriend told me she loved me and wanted to marry me so I shot her in self defense.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed