People who forget to eat are amazing to me. I miss one meal and I’m burning bridges with immediate family members. I miss two that’s organ failure, total body and mind shutdown by the end of one calendar day
You Might Also Like
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
No, you can’t have candy for breakfast. Don’t be silly. Now be quiet and let me finish my peppermint mocha frappuccino.
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Cyndi Lauper: “Girls just want to have fun.”
Me: “Some of us just want eight hours of uninterrupted sleep.”
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages