[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
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*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Never let them know your next move 😂
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
*dog comes up to me* “I think he likes me!”
Cop: “We are going to search you for drugs now.”
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
The software development process
i can’t fix this
*crisis of confidence*
*questions career*
*questions life*oh it was a typo, cool
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
Single and childfree like Jesus