I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
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Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Me: Can u send me those documents?
Coworker: Yes, but u can actually get them by–
Me: Nope, don’t try teaching me to fish. Not interested.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.