Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
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*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Whoever asked how can 2022 be any worse than the last couple of years, you jinxed the world. And now I’m coming for you.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.
I think being an anxiety/antisocial person would save me in most horror movie scenarios.
I don’t answer my phone or my door, I’m rarely out after 7 pm, and if I hear a weird noise, I ignore it as its none of my business.
But…I do like antiques, haunted trinkets would get me.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
Somehow, I must have switched shopping carts while I was at the store. I don’t remember buying any of this stuff.
Or having an Asian baby.
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Just sneezed, accidentally blew a snot bubble, dropped my phone, then tripped on the dog. Whoever has my voodoo doll is hilarious
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.