‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
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Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
rise and shine we got egg
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
*wakes up drenched in sweat*
WAS BINGO THE FARMER OR THE DOG?
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.