[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
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The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
In Australia we say tuna not tuna fish because tuna cow and tuna chicken are not readily available here.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
This took me a second..
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
The Weeknd is back
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
me: *taking off shirt* YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME???
dermatologist: once again, it’s called a biopsy
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what