To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
You Might Also Like
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
In case of an emergency, eat fried chicken.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
Yesterday CNN reported that “sitting will kill you, even if you exercise” and I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but living will kill you.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
I accidentally poured too much hot sauce onto my lunch and damn if my life excitement didn’t just increase tenfold
Atlantic Canada was hit with its heaviest snowfall in 20 years. If you live in Atlantic Canada, you…probably noticed.
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.