I don’t think I can manage sugar daddy but I could probably scrape together a carb uncle
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[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
[first day as a juror] *applying lipstick* which way is the hung jury
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Just grow your own
What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?