I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
You Might Also Like
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I wish other people my age weren’t so old.
Fight
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
A choir of Spring onions
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
What?
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts