My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
You Might Also Like
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
Me, about to be kicked out of a convention for the American Society of Egyptologists
“As we all know, the pyramids were built by the Pharaoh convincing two people to begin work, and those two people in turn convincing two people each. Then those four people each convinced
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
When a man reaches 50, he starts to realize he’s got only 6 or 7 more Batmans left.
I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced