people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
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So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
All is fair in drunk and war.
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that