*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
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I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
This is my emotional support yacht 🎀
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
Spanish is easily the sexiest language. Everyone should want to learn it. You can say you need to take a shit in Spanish and it sounds sexy.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
whatcha thinkin bout
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.