People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
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I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
*releasing hundreds of balloons from the ceiling onto the dance floor* these are all full of my breath. the inside of my lungs is touching you enjoy your dance
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
I asked my wife to share her queen sized blanket to which she replied she was a queen and therefore the blanket was already at max capacity
Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
In my late forties, I now find myself with gray hair, a delightful assortment of aches and pains, and surprisingly strong opinions on decorative throw pillows.
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.