Diets are like religions. The moment I find out that thing I like isn’t allowed, I’m out.
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I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Does it…does it take 3 days
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
If smartphones existed in the 80’s, most of us would have a parole officer.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch an ounce of ganja
Jack lit up and took a puff
And Jill cuffed him. She was DEA. Jack died in prison.
Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts
Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.