employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
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BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
NEIGHBOR: Is that your dog running around your yard?
ME: No. That’s a fence.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
6-year-old: When I grow up, do I have to get a job?
Me: Only if you want food and shelter.
6: *carefully considers her options*
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
What if my cans are tuna cans or industrial school size cans of peaches in syrup or old rusty tin cans connected with string, can I still show them off? I heard people like looking at other people’s cans
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers