damn he’s good
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nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.