I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
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If a group of lions is called a pride, then a group of humans should be called an embarrassment.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster