saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
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police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.
When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.
Fine.
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you