My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
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When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
End a boring conversation by opening an umbrella in their face
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
the clam before the storm
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?