“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
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A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
[first day as a cashier]
*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Don’t scream. I came to your house because you never responded to my DMs. Are you OK?
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
.. do you even science?
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.