I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
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My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
If my mother only knew the things I say on Twitter………. I’d be sitting in the corner with a bar of soap in my mouth and grounded.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
*Throws Pizza party
*B.Y.O.Pizza
*Gather All the pizza’s
*Kicks everyone out.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
The conditions inside my car have drawn attention from my boyfriend, my mother, and the Center for Disease Control.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
when dads have a rap battle
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?