This is true.
You Might Also Like
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
I support this random dude and all his protests
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Me too door. Me too.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.