FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
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i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
Good morning
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
I want a masterchef for dudes that live by themselves. but not fancy dishes, they just make what they make every day and Ramsey critiques. ‘Allan you made kraft mac and cheese but added a whole block of butter. Chris, you literally just heated a can of beans. who is going home’
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.