Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
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Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
just once I want a doctor to ask if I’ve been eating enough potatoes
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
Some ppl are like, bury me and plant a tree so I live on in nature and I’m like, same but plant potatoes so I can live on in french fries
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
#Caturday
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.