So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
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[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
Yep.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Where’s my employee discount too?
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed