Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
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Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
I would be a terrible stalker because A) not motivated enough 7) you would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
I’m too fat to be a hipster. I’m thinking of becoming a Heapster instead.
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?
Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
*Seductively hides in the woods
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
The perfect sticker placement doesn’t exi-
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom