I just washed my car in my driveway and people sped up instead of slowing down.
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Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
[building on fire]
ME: If we die here I just want you to know I’ve always liked you Gary
CO-WORKER: I guess now is a good time to tell you I ate your lunch out of the fridge on Thursday
ME: I knew it [stands up] STOP THE SIMULATION
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*