Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
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no one explains why witches fly on brooms. like they could’ve gone with any household object but they chose stick. i for one would’ve gone with chair. imagine cackling across a yellow moon in a lazy boy. feet up, black cat on your lap, no splinters. just a chill time.
falsely accusing someone of being a contrarian is absolutely brutal. what can they say to that
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
[phonecall w criminal]
FBI Agent: keep him on the line for 2 more minutes
me: ok.. *twirling phone cord* no you hang up. haha no you hang up
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Want some raisins?
No thanks.
Want some raisins covered in dark chocolate?
Dammit, I’m in.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
[First day as a private investigator]
*Forgets to turn off camera shutter sound
*Gets murdered
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.