Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
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*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Single and childfree like Jesus
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Nature abhors a vacuum
My dog: frfr
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Wife: Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?
Husband: Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion