Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
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Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Anyone want a chair?
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
[David Attenborough watching me pour syrup on my waffles before I put them in the toaster] Turn the camera off this man needs help
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
A younger person at work was telling us she made bagels herself at home.
Impressive, until we found out that she meant buying them at the coffee shop then taking them home to toast
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!