Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
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If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
If it wasn’t for “only one cashier open and it’s a cute guy in his twenties and I am buying a cart full of tampons” luck, I wouldn’t have any luck at all
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
passport control: you don’t look anything like your picture
incredible hulk: THE FLIGHT WAS DELAYED
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.