If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
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I was just discussing this with my cat
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
handyman: figured out why your cupboard keeps opening
me: *nodding* ghosts
handyman: …this screw is loose
me: ah.
handyman:
me:
handyman:
me: how would a ghost get a screwdriver?
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
Things were going well with my date, until she noticed my Roomba was a Frisbee glued to a bunch of rats
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
These aliens are taking forever.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.