“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
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me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
[zoom meeting]
big zit on my chin:
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
If the voices in my head had a British accent, I would do what they say more often.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
It’s a gift
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
I only go on LinkedIn to see what my coworkers looked like 15 years ago.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I wonder how many baptisms by fire were performed before someone switched to water.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I just put my flamethrower in my car and my neighbor saw me. This is gonna be a wonderful day.
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.