Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
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In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
You look stressed, let me pour you a hot cup of pasta.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
Weddings are dumb. Except yours. Yours was a great way to spend money.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.