We’re all getting idioter.
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Everyone in the gym on January 1st
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores