[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
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i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
There are now more photos of girls in bathroom mirrors than there are of the entire 1940’s.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.