Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
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“no gods no masters” = leo
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
Dear Abby,
I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Damn right I’m cultured. I learned all about classical music from Bugs Bunny.
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
PEAK POKEMON DESIGN
S/o to @funTweeters .
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad