[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
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*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
When a patron comes into the library the Saturday after Thanksgiving and asks “What’s the right way to cook a turkey,” I know I’m being asked not to provide practical information but rather to get involved in a heated family dispute
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
babies gremlins
🤝getting wet after midnight makes more
I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.