It was Timothy’s second week undercover, and frankly, he was getting absolutely nowhere.
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Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
ME: Table for 7 please
WAITER: Hahahahahahaha
ME: 7-p-m. Just me
WAITER: Okay that makes more sense
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
“The name is Bond, Ja-”
– “Savings Bond?”
“No”
– “Chemical Bond?”
“NO!”
– “Autobahn?”
“You know you’re totally ruining this for me”
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My coworker left two hours ago. Unfortunately his cologne stuck around for some overtime.
M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
I’m the opposite of clingy, I’m spacious.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I hate it when I’m in a rage and suddenly remember I’m not wealthy so I can’t hurl expensive bone china into the fireplace.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.