If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
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My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
With every passing day the gap between being a negligent cook and being an arsonist gets a little smaller. Soon I should be able to take out a whole block with a strategic “trying this new egg recipe.”
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
I forget ONE TIME and my wife changes all my passwords and sets the security question to: “When is your anniversary?”
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
I’m not superstitious, I’m just kindastitious!!!
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-