I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
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date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Even if you’re really tired, never try to hold your eyes open using toothpicks. DAMN YOU 1970’S CARTOONS AND ALL OF YOUR FALLACIES!
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Yeah. This was me today.
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad