Rumor has it, some people get things accomplished without whining about it. Not my style. Interesting concept, though.
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I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
“Paper or plastic?”
I don’t know. How can anyone really know?
“Uhh-”
I’m bagnostic
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
My seven year old just said, “I kinda want to experience being a dad but I kinda don’t want to get married” Should I ask him more questions.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
i couldn’t remember the word “counting” so i told my friend to “do the number alphabet.”