Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
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I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
[feeding the cat]
Me: Here’s your food, Buddy.
Cat: Buddy is the dog’s name.
Me: Gosh, you’re right. Sorry.
Cat: I’m really hurt.
Me:
Cat: JK, I never listen to a fricken thing you say anyway.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
“I have $73 in my bank account!” sounded a lot cooler when I was 12.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place