I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
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A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
I was hesitant to sign my kids up for martial arts classes because I was worried that they might accidentally hurt each other, but after several months of classes I’m confident that they couldn’t hurt anyone even if they tried.
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Dating Tips
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5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.