Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
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My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
REAL LIFE JUNGLE BOOK
Chapter 1, Page 1:So Mowgli gets straight up eaten, like, right the heck away.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.